Worst of the Worst: 5 Terrifying WikiHow Articles

Ralph Bernhardt, SPN Reporter

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5. How to Fly Airplanes

This 8-step article will allegedly teach you to fly a passenger plane. This is terrifying because the day someone learns to fly a commercial airliner from a WikiHow article is the same day I abandon any hopes of aerial travel. People go to flight school for thousands of hours–and usually still get rejected. The thought of someone freehandedly taking control of a vehicle thanks to an internet tutorial is terrifying.

Most Deranged Step: Once you are cleared, slowly increase the throttle to full and use your rudder pedals to steer the aircraft down the runway. Keep it as straight as possible.

No. DON’T INCREASE THE THROTTLE. GO TO FLIGHT SCHOOL. YOU ARE NOT A PILOT.

"SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! OUR PILOT IS INSANE!"

“SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! OUR PILOT IS INSANE!”

 

4. How to Bless Someone

The day is finally here: You are to be blessed. The priest stands before you, his lifetime of dedication and education building towards this ultimate moment–the moment that will change your life forever. He places his hand at your shoulder. “By the power invested in me, and the holy enlightenment of your soul, I bless you in the name of… hold on a moment.” The priest sets his holy book down. Retrieving a smartphone from his robes, he begins to check over the third step of the ‘How to Bless Someone’ WikiHow Article. There are so many things wrong with this.

Most Deranged Step: Find someone you would like to bless. It doesn’t really matter who they are because you are going to do something nice for them and help them out a lot.

There are no words capable of describing my level of exasperation.

"I think I'm going to bless Kevin later today. I won't tell him either."

“I think I’m going to bless Kevin later today. I won’t tell him either.”

 

3. How to Stop a Wedding

Objecting to a wedding is pretty screwed up. This article doesn’t just tell you how to object–it elaborates on how to find the location of the wedding, sneak in, and pull the bride/groom away from the rest of the wedding after objecting. This gets even more hilarious as it consistently urges you ‘not to make a scene’ and to ‘be cautious’. While the first part seems reasonable, telling you to speak with the bride/groom privately a few weeks before the wedding, the later half is not only criminal, it’s demented. It’s so bad that one of the tips actually suggests you seek psychological counseling.

Most Deranged Step: Unless you have been invited, you will have to find out where the wedding ceremony is to be held, and the exact time. Ask family members or mutual friends if it doesn’t appear too suspicious, or perhaps check the wedding notices in the local newspaper.

Stop it WikiHow. This is not romantic. This is creepy. Do not give stalking advice to ex-girlfriends. 41 people wrote this article… and none of them seem to understand human interaction.

 

"DEAR GOD AMY WE BROKE UP YEARS AGO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

“DEAR GOD AMY, WE BROKE UP YEARS AGO! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

 

2. How to Become a Dictator

If subjugating millions of people for personal gain and dominance has always been your dream, look no further! This WikiHow article contains a (quite extensive) guide about how to follow in the footsteps of the monsters of the past. It includes ways to take power in a current dictatorship, ways to turn other nations into dictatorships, the advantages of military service, and finding the right balance of freedoms to provide your peasantry with. Everything a good dictator needs to know.

Most Deranged Step: Identify a common enemy to fight. […] you may have to find one to play on that “us vs. them” mentality. Here are some candidates:

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you find yourself listing racial and political minorities to be scapegoated by future dictators on a WikiHow Article.

"Hey Nathan, wanna take over Czechoslovakia together?"

“Hey Nathan, wanna take over Czechoslovakia together?”

 

1. How to Create a Love Altar

This wonderfully creepy article details the construction of a ‘Love Altar’, a secret podium at which you can bask in the glory of your unsuspecting beloved. It details everything you’ll need to do to assure that nobody of the opposite gender will ever speak with you again. This includes, but is not limited to: How to find the perfect hiding spot to venerate your special someone, acquire stalker-level photos of the person, and collect their used chewing gum. I wish I was joking.

Most Deranged Step: Acquire photos of the object of your desire. Staged photos are not as special, so try to get pictures of them when they don’t know you’re doing it. A good idea is to take pictures as they are waking up in the morning, because they will still be too sleepy to notice what you’re doing.

If you don’t immediately see what wrong with this, please turn yourself into the local police department. I checked the discussion area of the thread to find the author defending themselves against a barrage of disturbed commentators.

“I mean, I think the page is kinda weird, but I wrote it to answer a request. If someone wants to know how to make a love altar, I think that they deserve an honest answer to that request.  […] When average guidance fails, Wikihow is meant to be there to pick up the slack. Its not always the most pleasant or chivalrous job, but its the reason that this site is what it is, and I personally think that’s something to stand up and be proud of.” — Amazingwriter31

… well there goes any hope it was satire.

"I'm just at that love-altar phase in my life. It's normal!"

“I’m just at that love-altar phase in my life. It’s normal!”

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